Doctors - Sumthing I wrote 6 years back.

DOCTORS

“An apple a day keeps the doctor away and if the doctor is handsome keep the apple away.” Whosoever said that has kept my fruit vendor happy. I am not terrified about getting sick infact I feel - illness is actually a sign of good health. What concerns me more are the species that cure illness. ‘Doctors’ they call them and some of them are even compared to God. Has anybody bothered to take God’s opinion about it?

I usually do not like to use their expertise unless and until it’s a life and death situation. But hey one never knows... No one dies of common cold but what if it is pneumonia. No one dies of swollen feet but what if it is dengue. My friends think I am paranoid. I disagree. I am a very patient person and I feel that Doctors need quality time with patients who are much more in need, so I give them an opportunity to examine other exciting patients.

It was quite early in life that I realized that no matter how much I love them, Doctors seems to have a special dislike for me. I was only two years old when while playing with beads, one got stuck in my nostril. Father was away and my mother planned to watch a movie with some of her friends that day. The responsibility now lay on this gang of ladies to take the bead out. One after the other, each came to try her own tricks and when nothing worked I was taken to the hospital. God only knows what an innocent soul like me had to endure at such a tender age. The doctor too failed to appreciate the fact that I agreed to visit his clinic. Instead, our wise man tried exactly the same tactic as the wise ladies did some time before. It must have been one of the wicked nurses who suggested to him that I should be taken to a separate room, tied down and then they could easily extract the bead. Their plan worked and in this process I acquired eternal enlightenment. By the end of the whole procedure, the truth had dawned upon me that every doctor in this world hates me.

This truth was time and again apparent to me during my limited interaction with doctors. I think they don’t let them take the ‘Hippocratic Oath’ until they agree to torture me when ever and if ever they get an opportunity to treat me. To elaborate let me take you through two real life situations

Situation: The dentist asked me to raise my hand whenever I feel pain… and when I did he shouts in my ear - “Keep your hand down, I have not started yet.”
Reason: The pain could have been psychological.
My take: That’s how doctors trick people. They like to keep patients assuming that they are working while all they do is probably thinking about their afternoon tea.
Solution: All doctors who try to trick their patients should go through a minimum sentence of rigorous imprisonment of two years

Situation: For the third time, the ophthalmologist tries to look in to my eyes, asks me to look straight. He screams his lungs out when I don’t.
Reason: I get distracted by the light scattered by his oily bald head.
My take: Why can’t they realize that it could be them and not me who is trying to create trouble?
Solution: My sincere request to the Govt. of all countries is that they should make wigs mandatory for all bald ophthalmologists.

Now that it is apparent that they all hate me the truth remains -
I can’t live with out them…
I can’t live with them…
What else do you call this?
I love doctors.